I am addicted to being productive- no, I'm addicted to forcing myself to be productive all the time, although I end up not being so most of the time. Being in this self-improvement era after having read a lot of self-help books, now I am questioning whether this has all been helpful or detrimental to my mental health.
I have my routines down- a morning and an evening one. I like to wake up and do some stretches, meditate along to a YouTube guide, read, and then journal. In the evenings, I pray, I do my skincare and I jot down on my habit tracker and my gratitude journal. Of course, this all seems fine and dandy, but in between these routines, the hours and hours I spend scrolling on TikTok and not really doing much (especially now that I am on break), I end up feeling guilty and like I just wasted my precious time.
This leads to an internal debate of maybe I should allow myself to not do anything for a day and not feel guilty, I deserve it. Then there is another part of me that feels like there is always something I could do- read more books, take an online class, go to the gym- just because I don't have classes or work does not mean I can just rot in bed and not make the best use of my time.
Most of the time, my lazy side ends up winning but not without feeling a lot of guilt. I often wonder what normal people feel like- people who just live their lives without having this pressure of becoming "better" every single day and without having to tick off everything on their habit tracker before bed. Must be nice- I think. But well, at the same time, I understand that if I do want to improve and become a better person, which I do, it isn't going to be easy.
And I think, like always, the solution is the middle path. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, at the same time I shouldn't let myself off the hook so easily. This year, I have promised myself a cheat day- one day of the week where I can completely let myself off the hook. I can sleep in and I can binge-watch whatever I want- without feeling guilty. The other six days of being productive will be rewarded with one guilt-free day of rotting in bed.
It's kind of strange how as I grow up, I learn to make deals with myself and basically parent myself to get better results. Hopefully, this deal works and I can find a way to feel more content with the person that I am and the systems that I have created. I acknowledge that things may not always work out the way I have planned as the world does not arrange things around my schedule but I think I may have learned to be more adaptable.