I have always done well in school. I wouldn't say that I was competitive but I have always been very driven. I have never failed any test in my entire life and I always been in the top 5 performers throughout my school life. These lines may seem quite contradictory to the topic of this post. However, this was just to give you a background of my academic performance. I came to be known as a nerd and a "topper". Of course, these weren't easy and I did have to work hard. Nevertheless, I almost always achieved what I put my mind to... so much so that I began taking things for granted.
I considered myself smart when I obviously did not know or understand anything about the real world. Even after entering college, the first two years were a breeze. I managed to maintain my GPA at 4.0 without too much effort and while working part-time. However, a turning point in my life was during my sophomore year of college. I realized I was not as smart as I thought and definitely not as much as people considered me to be. I struggled with some of the classes and could not really share it with anyone. My classes became smaller and there were others- who were much smarter than me. Of course, being the only Asian and the one of the few girls in a mathematics class didn't really do much for my self confidence.
I sort of went through this quarter life crisis at 20 years old- where I began to question everything in my life. I realise now that most people who were high performing students during their school life struggle for validation in later parts of their life.
My confidence was further shaken during the summer before my final year at college. I decided not to go home for the break like I usually did because it would be my final year. I wanted to travel but more than that- I wanted an internship. Most people worked at an internship during the summer before their senior year which turn into permanent positions after graduation. I did not need a full time job after graduation because I was coming back to Bhutan. However, I did want to jump on the internships bandwagon and I thought it would be a good experience. All my friends were applying to places and I, too, looked around for jobs and internships around me. I was not eligible for many of these places but I put in applications where ever possible. I watched as many people around me got accepted and I was desperate to get something... anything. At this point, it was more about showing people that I got in somewhere rather than the money or the experience.
I received my first ever rejection letter at this point. I was rejected from almost all of the places I applied to. However, the first one really stuck to me. It was the first time that I had gotten rejected...ever. In retrospect, it was a great learning experience for me. However, at that moment, I felt like shit. I didn't feel like I could share it with anyone- I hated sharing vulnerable moments with people. This experience shook me up- to the point that my confidence still has not recovered to this day. In the end, I did manage to get a teaching job for the summer at my college and I learned a lot through that experience.
I don't know what would have happened if I did not get that. I do think that my rejection was a blessing in disguise. It brought me in touch with reality and made me realize that I really am nothing but a speck of dust in this vast universe.
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