Up until I went to college, I always thought of myself as a spontaneous and laidback person. However, there are quite a lot of things you learn about yourself when you live with people you aren’t related to. I realized that I had this need to have things a certain way, not necessarily the neatest way, but a certain way. I wouldn’t say that I have OCD, maybe a slight version of it. I guess I would much rather call myself organized.
I love doing some things other people might consider as a bother. Like for example, I love packing and unpacking clothes or even folding laundry. It’s not something I would choose to do in my free time but I do not mind packing or unpacking for a trip. In fact, I quite enjoy it. I love the satisfaction of seeing a suitcase of rolled up clothes, things all fitting neatly into a small space. As soon as I get back home from anywhere, I have to put away my things before I can do anything else. I simply cannot rest peacefully without having these chores out of my way.
This has sort of also been incorporated in my academic and personal lives. I need to be done with an assignment a few days before it is due. It does not matter whether I did the work sincerely or whether I put in my best effort, I would much rather have it out of my way as soon as possible. I have friends who can watch movies and go out to have fun without having written down a single word of an assignment that is due in a few days. They will have no problem completing their work a few hours before it is due. This is something I will never be able to relate to. Trust me, there have been times where I have procrastinated doing my work. However, there would always be this thought at the back of my mind reminding me about my work. I would never be able to enjoy anything without having my work done first.
I also do not usually enjoy spontaneous events. If you are inviting me for something, I would like to know about it at least a day in advance. Unlike most people, I like having a schedule. This probably classifies me into the “boring people category. Nevertheless, I like knowing what I am going to be doing everyday and I like planning things out.
My college roommate was probably the perfect person to live with. She loved the fact that as soon as we got back from the store, I would arrange all the groceries in the fridge. On semester breaks, we would go on trips to big cities across the country. I would arrange the tickets and the itinerary. I explained to her one day, it wasn’t necessarily that I was being a nice person and volunteering to do these things. I just liked having things a certain way and most of the time, I don’t trust other people to do it the way I want. Although she seemed quite hurt by my statement, overall, as long as she did not have to put away the groceries or organize our next trip, she seemed pretty glad.
Reflecting back on my life, I realize that I have been an organized person my whole life. When I was younger, I would make checklists of things I needed to do not necessarily because I couldn’t keep track of them, but because I loved the satisfaction of putting a check mark next to a chore. Throughout high school, I made my own schedule. My parents or my grandmother was not to wake me up for school; I would wake up according to my own alarm. Ever since primary school, I packed my own bag, I wrote my own homework, and I hated doing anybody else’s work or asking anyone else to do mine. To this day, this trait of mine has stuck. I considered this to be a positive trait, a strength of mine. However, this year, I’ve had to come to terms with this organized personality of mine to be a weakness as well.
All throughout my undergraduate life, there was not much group work or collaborative work. A mathematics major usually worked on her own and that was what worked the best for me. However, when I started my postgraduate course, I was bombarded by a series of group work. There were group activities to be done for every class. It could be graded or not graded. Through these collaborative activities, I realized that the “organized” trait that I loved could also turn out to be a control freak.
This is how a group work I was involved in usually went about. We would go around the group and chip in our thoughts. I would usually acknowledge the others’ opinions but end up fighting to have mine be used. This meant that most of the time, I would end up doing the most work, which I did not really mind (most of my group mates didn’t either). However, it was brought to my attention once that I often dismissed other people’s ideas and portrayed that my idea was the best. Although I was a bit offended and defensive at the time, upon reflecting, I realized that I was a control freak.
I needed to have things done my way and I always believed that my way was the best. Especially when it came to work that would be graded, even though I would ask for others’ opinions, I would not actually take it into consideration. I believed that my idea was the best and that would be the way to go to receive the best marks.
I learned that I needed to let go and listen to others more. This was harder than I imagined. Throughout the months, I learned to let go little by little. There were times I had to bite my tongue to keep from spitting out my opinion. I had to go along with other ideas even though I did not necessarily agree. Through this, I believe I have learned to at least let go a little bit and learn to respect and accept other ideas. I would not always get to have things my way and I had to learn to accept it. I would not say that I am completely laidback now. I still have to try really hard not to push my opinions on others.
However, there are also times when I need to have this drive in me to strongly express my opinions. Hence, I am still learning when to stick to my opinions to the end and when to let go. I think the key to this is actually listening first with an open mind. I need to let go of my ego and realize that there are better people out there with better ideas. However, after listening openly, if I still believe that my idea and opinion can be more efficient or contribute to the greater good then I don’t mind fighting for it. If I get tagged the “stubborn lady” or “bossy”, those are probably some things I will just have to get used to.