“I am the prettiest girl I know.”
“That’s because you’re fat/ugly. ”
“I’m the only pretty person in my friend circle/ family.”
These are actual lines I say aloud to my friends religiously on a day to day basis. For most of my close friends, I’m known for my savage insults and my narcissistic comments. The more comfortable I am with someone, the worse my insults get. Most of my jokes or insults do not seem to offend people too much. I have learned over the years not to go overboard. Strangely, I haven’t learned to stop. So, the key is to gradually start complimenting myself and then throwing in a few insults to the other person every now and then. That way, the other person doesn’t get mad since he or she is slowly getting used to my weird sense of humour. I don’t usually consider my jokes cruel even though they can be mean sometimes. This is because my insults are done on the face. I know this is a weird theory but for me, it’s only cruel or mean if it’s said behind someone’s back. Saying it to their face is a joke (although most of my “jokes” are based on something true) and all said in good humour.
In addition, I also compliment myself on a daily basis. Whenever I do so, I try hard not to smile or laugh so that people are confused as to whether I am joking or not. I don’t think even some of my friends know whether I actually mean what I’m saying or if I’m kidding. By now, they’ve gotten so used to it that they hardly care. My close circle of family and friends has gotten accustomed to me. However, for some of my acquaintances, it can get weird. Recently, a classmate of mine asked my friend whether I actually think I’m the prettiest and smartest person in the world or if I’m just joking. Whenever I say these things out of nowhere, people usually seem confused whether to laugh or not.
Now getting to the real stuff, I am trying to figure out why I blurt out such stuff. When I was younger, I thought that I probably wouldn’t be this weird as an adult. But voila, here I am, at 23 years old telling everyone that they’re ugly and I’m the best. To put the record straight, in case you are confused, I don’t really think that I am the best. In all honesty, I think quite the opposite. I think it might be some sort of defense mechanism for my nonexistent self-esteem. Somehow, when I keep saying such things out loud, it makes me feel better. People misconceive me as being super confident of my intelligence and my appearance and perhaps, a little part of me believes it as well.
In case you didn't know, I am also a very awkward person. I don't know how to react to compliments. Rather than saying a simple "thank you", I'll say something like "Tell me something I don't know". It'll usually lead to a good laugh or an insult from the other person, hence killing the awkwardness.
Another reason might be that I try really hard to sway away from the “simple” and “good girl” appearance that I have. I want to be seen as more than that. I want to be known as the funny and sarcastic girl rather than what people think of me at first glance. People who get to know me better tell me that I am nothing like they thought I would be. I take that as a compliment. I would rather be the sarcastic mean girl than the “goody two shoes” box that people put me in.
Whatever the reason may be, I have realized that this part of me will probably never change. I will probably be old and wrinkly and still call myself the prettiest and smartest person in the world. Honestly, that’s some future I look forward to.