An excerpt from my diary (April 2017):
I pretend as though I don't give a shit about anything else but honestly, I do. I constantly feel like I'm not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. I know that I have it better than most people. I know that I shouldn't be feeling this way. I don't need someone else to console me and tell me why I shouldn't be feeling this way.
As you can see, 2017 Pema was clearly going through a rough patch. Looking back on this (it was only two years ago), I think that I have grown past that stage. Yet, there are always some times where I feel like I am not enough.
I've always been quite insecure. Some people might not believe this based on the number of compliments I give myself and my narcissistic front. However, I think that I just do that to hide my insecurities. Or maybe this way, I sometimes convince myself that I am worth much more than my insecurities. Many people expect a lot from me and I don't blame them but it used to put me under a lot of pressure. If it wasn't from my sarcasm or narcissism, I think that I would have cracked under the pressure.
Looking back on this diary entry, it made me think about how much we let other people affect us. Something that someone might have mentioned to me or even things that I thought they would be thinking about me (which might not have even been the case) would get to me. As I have grown, I've realized most people are busy caring about themselves to care too much about you. While that sounds awfully mean, it is actually a good thing. Sure, there may be times when people do care about what you are wearing or what you are doing. However, at the end of the day, it's more important about how you feel about yourself.
I realize that everyone is insecure about one thing or another. This might be something we can change or something that can change us. For me, I think that as long as these things do not affect my everyday life or hold me back from doing something I want to do, then it's okay. Each day, I become more content as I become more comfortable being myself.
I do not hide my forehead with uncomfortable bangs that would get into my eyes like I did throughout middle school just to hide my "kuchum" forehead. In fact, my favourite hairstyle now is a high ponytail showing off my shiny forehead. I laugh along when classmates mention my huge forehead or my bald spot. This may seem like something trivial but something as small as changing my hairstyle has made me become more comfortable under my own skin.
After graduation, I have felt myself become more content and cosy with my own body and personality. This exudes out and has helped a lot with my confidence as well. Now, I do not shy away from sharing my own opinions. Sure, I am still an awkward person that hates making small conversation with strangers but I'm learning to accept that part of me as well.
So, I would like to tell 2017 Pema that things are going to be alright. There will be times ahead where you will still feel like you are not enough. However, there are more times where you can learn to accept yourself, try to become better, and realize that you are more than enough. :)