How does it feel to be a graduate? How is it being back home? Are you excited? Do you miss college? How does adulting feel?
Now that I’ve graduated from college and am currently back home enjoying my time being one of the many unemployed youth of today, these questions mentioned above are usually one of the first things people ask me. I smile and nod along. It’s great to be back home, I’m totally excited to start working, I’m nervous to sit through the civil service examinations, … are usually my responses. Of course, I don’t feel any of those emotions. I’m not really sad about leaving college or not really enjoying having nothing to do. I’m not really anything. The only word that is the closest to how I feel is indifferent.
I’m totally indifferent to anything, really. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to be back home and it’s great to talk to people I haven’t seen in a while yet I don’t feel a sense of happiness. There’s not really a sense of sadness either. It’s hard to describe it. I don’t long for anything more nor anything less. I’m sort of comfortable in this emotionless bubble of mine. It’s not boring as I assume you might think it to be. I would say it’s what I thought nirvana would be but I don’t feel a total sense of peace either.
There’s not much that can get me too excited or nervous or cry or laugh out loud. However, without a sense of worry, I feel a certain calmness that I don’t think I’ve ever felt. Maybe it’s because I’ve always kept myself busy. When I was younger, during the school breaks, I would write everyday with the goal to get my book published. In college, I would travel or work during the breaks. So, this past week was actually the first time in my entire life that I didn’t push myself to do anything. Maybe that’s why I feel the way I do. Maybe that’s why I’m indifferent because there’s nothing I’m working towards so there’s nothing to make me feel accomplished or unaccomplished.
I would make myself a goal and try to work towards it that will most probably happen eventually. However, for the time being, I’ve sort of become fond of my indifference. It’s calming, for a change. Who knows, maybe twenty something year old unemployed Pemas are all indifferent? All the same, for now, I shall remain indifferent about my indifference.